Gate 12, JFK
10:38am
Everyone is so angry! And for a reason... although I personally don't feel so bad (explain why in a bit).
So, I was sitting at the gate when a line forms at the desk. People look very annoyed. I find out that the plain has been delayed until 10:45. OK. No big deal. But soon I hear 11:25 and then 12:40? Then 2:30?! This is ridiculous... So, I wait in line to complain my part. My flight at Dulles leaves at 5:10pm. I don't care, I want them to change my flight. I'm never flying United again!
It's funny how strangers bond over troublesome ordeals like plane delays. There I was, in line with a whole bunch of people-- all different ages and ethnicities -- discussing this situation. One man obviously knew how to put pressure on the system. He stood in front of the airline official (this tall black guy) asking question after question... I felt like we were holding up a fortress. Another woman and I stormed the baggage claim. She shriked at the top of her lungs, practically bringing the other woman to tears. I met a man from Dubai who offered to share his dark chocolate and treat everyone to a New Year's drink at the airport bar. I didn't tell him I was underage heh.
Funny how close we all became in a matter of seconds. But I never even learned their names.
Luck must've been on my side though because I got a direct flight to Paris on Air France! Perfect. In a way this is a blessing. Must change a few plans and taxi bookings but I'm happy. Just have to wait around the airport for a long, long time... I'm starving - Time for some food and drink!
Monday, December 31, 2007
Reflections at JFK on New Years Eve
JFK Airport
8:22 AM
New Year's Eve!
I am so sleepy; I'm falling asleep on this coffee-smelling cafe table... here, at JFK airport. It's not like I didn't have a good sleep last night but a very anxious and nervous one.
So, this is the first time I'm traveling alone by airplane. And I think I've pretty much psyched myself out in imagining all the worst possible scenarios that can happen (from missing my flight to losing all my luggage to a terrorist attack while flying into Washington).
Last night made me realize how thankful I am for my family. I thought this trip would be an independent do-it-myself kind of thing and for the most art, I kept it a secret for as long as possible from my family! Why? Probably because I knew they would never let me do it or ask me a million questions which would make me doubt this whole experience. But once I told them (and allowed them time to cool off and take me seriously), my parents and relatives have been the biggest help ever. I had visions of myself dragging my luggage through the NYC subway and getting utterly lost. But thankfully my uncle let me stay in his home in Queens and woke up at 6 this morning to drive me to the airport.
I thought this experience would be empowering (which I hope it still will be in a way) but I've discovered how much I still need to learn and rely on others. Especially friends and family. I am so thankful for my French friend, Frantz, who has been generous to me thus far in letting me stay at his place and giving me all sorts of suggestions for what to do, where to go, etc. And I am so happy how easy baggage check-in was-- I felt so terrified that something wrong would happen (technical problems and such). From all my experience as a traveler, I've learned that a lot can go wrong... Thankful once again! (Bet you're really tired of hearing me repeat this...)
I guess while I'm waiting here at the airport, I've come to realize and reflect a lot. It is New Years Eve after all. Well, I'm going to proceed to my gate now even though istill have a lot of time. Be back in a bit...
8:22 AM
New Year's Eve!
I am so sleepy; I'm falling asleep on this coffee-smelling cafe table... here, at JFK airport. It's not like I didn't have a good sleep last night but a very anxious and nervous one.
So, this is the first time I'm traveling alone by airplane. And I think I've pretty much psyched myself out in imagining all the worst possible scenarios that can happen (from missing my flight to losing all my luggage to a terrorist attack while flying into Washington).
Last night made me realize how thankful I am for my family. I thought this trip would be an independent do-it-myself kind of thing and for the most art, I kept it a secret for as long as possible from my family! Why? Probably because I knew they would never let me do it or ask me a million questions which would make me doubt this whole experience. But once I told them (and allowed them time to cool off and take me seriously), my parents and relatives have been the biggest help ever. I had visions of myself dragging my luggage through the NYC subway and getting utterly lost. But thankfully my uncle let me stay in his home in Queens and woke up at 6 this morning to drive me to the airport.
I thought this experience would be empowering (which I hope it still will be in a way) but I've discovered how much I still need to learn and rely on others. Especially friends and family. I am so thankful for my French friend, Frantz, who has been generous to me thus far in letting me stay at his place and giving me all sorts of suggestions for what to do, where to go, etc. And I am so happy how easy baggage check-in was-- I felt so terrified that something wrong would happen (technical problems and such). From all my experience as a traveler, I've learned that a lot can go wrong... Thankful once again! (Bet you're really tired of hearing me repeat this...)
I guess while I'm waiting here at the airport, I've come to realize and reflect a lot. It is New Years Eve after all. Well, I'm going to proceed to my gate now even though istill have a lot of time. Be back in a bit...
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Tons to Do
[Bretodeau, The Box Man] : Life's funny. To a kid, time always drags. Suddenly you're fifty. All that's left of your childhood... fits in a rusty little box.
Drove around SO much today... polluting the earth. I am thoroughly exhausted but packing must still go on. After breakfast tomorrow, my family is driving down to Queens to visit family for a pre-New Years dinner thing. And then the next day, I must wake up very early for my JFK flight to D.C. and then wait around for five hours to take my connecting flight to Paris. Tons to do... thoroughly exhausted...
Drove around SO much today... polluting the earth. I am thoroughly exhausted but packing must still go on. After breakfast tomorrow, my family is driving down to Queens to visit family for a pre-New Years dinner thing. And then the next day, I must wake up very early for my JFK flight to D.C. and then wait around for five hours to take my connecting flight to Paris. Tons to do... thoroughly exhausted...
Friday, December 28, 2007
Because I Felt Alive
[Translated from French]. "And then something happened, something that is hard to describe. Sitting there, alone in a foreign country, far away from my job and all the people I knew, a feeling came over me. As if I recalled something, something that I had never known and for which I had been waiting, But I didn't know what it was. Maybe it was something I had forgotten. Or something I had missed my whole life. I can only tell you that at the same time I felt joy and sadness. But not a great sadness. Because I felt alive. Yes. Alive. That was the moment when I fell in love with Paris and the moment I felt that Paris had fallen in love with me."
I apologize if all my blog entries from now address only one topic: Paris! I am getting so anxious with planning. A lot of planning must get done before I leave in a few days. [A lot of packing, too]. And a whole lot of research!
I didn't realize that so many considerations go into a trip. Where can I exchange money? Does my ATM card charge a fee/interest? Should I exchange money now? Transportation from the airport to central Europe? Will my friend leave me a spare key to the apartment? Is the 15th district part of Montparnasse? SHIT, I don't know all the districts and their corresponding numbers. OH BURSAR BILLS (scribbling down reminders). Will my cell phone work there? Should I bring my phone and buy a sim card? Or get a cell phone there? Where can I get one? How much? Note to self: remember to bring adapters. Very important.
So much to figure out. I am going a bit insane. But you know what... it's all very interesting and kind of fun... in a way? Cause I'm getting excited!
Oh, also: It's my sister's birthday today...
Happy 17th Birthday, Rosa!
I apologize if all my blog entries from now address only one topic: Paris! I am getting so anxious with planning. A lot of planning must get done before I leave in a few days. [A lot of packing, too]. And a whole lot of research!
I didn't realize that so many considerations go into a trip. Where can I exchange money? Does my ATM card charge a fee/interest? Should I exchange money now? Transportation from the airport to central Europe? Will my friend leave me a spare key to the apartment? Is the 15th district part of Montparnasse? SHIT, I don't know all the districts and their corresponding numbers. OH BURSAR BILLS (scribbling down reminders). Will my cell phone work there? Should I bring my phone and buy a sim card? Or get a cell phone there? Where can I get one? How much? Note to self: remember to bring adapters. Very important.
So much to figure out. I am going a bit insane. But you know what... it's all very interesting and kind of fun... in a way? Cause I'm getting excited!
Oh, also: It's my sister's birthday today...
Happy 17th Birthday, Rosa!
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Lounging Around in PJs
Needless to say, my early articles were shocking. I blew more interviews with famous musicians than I care to remember, and I learned the dos and don't of interviewing the hard way:
ME (FIRST QUESTION) : So Elvis, what do you hate most about journalists?
ELVIS COSTELLO : Fuckin' stupid questions like that, for starters.
Totally wasted the day.
It's nice sleeping in but it feels plain lazy to wake up around 2pm and feel like the whole day is gone. Just sat around, eating my scrambled eggs and bagel w/ cream cheese... watching Dr. Phil and Oprah. Really interesting show today... might wanna check it out here. I'm kind of glad I caught it because it cleared up a lot of questions I had before... starting to lean more on the "society and humanitarian" side of my education.
Should go do something productive now...
ME (FIRST QUESTION) : So Elvis, what do you hate most about journalists?
ELVIS COSTELLO : Fuckin' stupid questions like that, for starters.
Totally wasted the day.
It's nice sleeping in but it feels plain lazy to wake up around 2pm and feel like the whole day is gone. Just sat around, eating my scrambled eggs and bagel w/ cream cheese... watching Dr. Phil and Oprah. Really interesting show today... might wanna check it out here. I'm kind of glad I caught it because it cleared up a lot of questions I had before... starting to lean more on the "society and humanitarian" side of my education.
Should go do something productive now...
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Guitar Hero and My New Holga
"But don't you find it boring to wear only two colors.?"
"Not at all. I find it liberating. I believe my life has value, and I don't want to waste it thinking about clothing... I don't want to think about what I will wear in the morning. Truly, can you imagine anything more boring than fashion? Professional sports, perhaps. Grown men swatting little balls, while the rest of the world pays money to applaud. But, on the whole, I find fashion even more tedious than sports."
"Dr. Malcolm," Hammond explained, "is a man of strong opinions."
"And mad as a hatter," Malcolm said cheerfully. "But you must admit, these are nontrivial issues. We live in a world of frightful givens. It is given that you will behave like this, given that you will care about that. No one thinks about the givens. Isn't it amazing? In the information society, nobody thinks. We expected to banish paper, but we actually banished thought."
Guitar Hero is slowly taking over the world. I still don't understand what's so fun about it? You're not even playing an actual guitar. You're just pressing color-coded buttons while demented cartoon figures sway on the screen. To be honest, I feel nauseous when I see it.
[Rock Band is a different story however.]
Moving on, I went to the mall today and didn't expect there would be so many people there. UGH. I hate the traffic jams and all the buying and buying and buying... and I especially do not appreciate all the little kids who try to hit on you [yeah, little kids!]
I was going to buy a bunch of dresses and shoes... that is, until I saw the lines! No way... so, I figured I would get some film for a camera my photographer friend bought me for Christmas: my new Holga!
At first I thought it was toy, but it's seriously awesome. I went to the camera shop but they thought it was a toy, too. Finally, one of the... ahem younger... sales person told me where I could get the 120 film (which they do not carry anywhere!) at this artsy place in the plaza near Marshalls. With nothing better to do, I headed over there and purchased two rolls of color film and had them show me how to load it and whatever.
Can't wait to try it out! These cameras are supposed to give you some really spontaneous pics with different sorts of effects. Some examples:
"Not at all. I find it liberating. I believe my life has value, and I don't want to waste it thinking about clothing... I don't want to think about what I will wear in the morning. Truly, can you imagine anything more boring than fashion? Professional sports, perhaps. Grown men swatting little balls, while the rest of the world pays money to applaud. But, on the whole, I find fashion even more tedious than sports."
"Dr. Malcolm," Hammond explained, "is a man of strong opinions."
"And mad as a hatter," Malcolm said cheerfully. "But you must admit, these are nontrivial issues. We live in a world of frightful givens. It is given that you will behave like this, given that you will care about that. No one thinks about the givens. Isn't it amazing? In the information society, nobody thinks. We expected to banish paper, but we actually banished thought."
Guitar Hero is slowly taking over the world. I still don't understand what's so fun about it? You're not even playing an actual guitar. You're just pressing color-coded buttons while demented cartoon figures sway on the screen. To be honest, I feel nauseous when I see it.
[Rock Band is a different story however.]
Moving on, I went to the mall today and didn't expect there would be so many people there. UGH. I hate the traffic jams and all the buying and buying and buying... and I especially do not appreciate all the little kids who try to hit on you [yeah, little kids!]
I was going to buy a bunch of dresses and shoes... that is, until I saw the lines! No way... so, I figured I would get some film for a camera my photographer friend bought me for Christmas: my new Holga!
At first I thought it was toy, but it's seriously awesome. I went to the camera shop but they thought it was a toy, too. Finally, one of the... ahem younger... sales person told me where I could get the 120 film (which they do not carry anywhere!) at this artsy place in the plaza near Marshalls. With nothing better to do, I headed over there and purchased two rolls of color film and had them show me how to load it and whatever.
Can't wait to try it out! These cameras are supposed to give you some really spontaneous pics with different sorts of effects. Some examples:
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Like Christmas Morning
La luce che tu hai
I pray we'll find your light
nel cuore resterà
and hold it in our hearts.
a ricordarci che
When stars go out each night,
eterna stella sei
you are eternal star
Nella mia preghiera
Let this be our prayer
quanta fede c'è
when shadows fill our day
Sognamo un mondo senza più violenza
un mondo di giustizia e di speranza
Ognuno dia la mano al suo vicino
Simbolo di pace, di fraternità
We dream a world without violence
a world of justice and faith.
Everyone gives the hand to his neighbours
Symbol of peace, of fraternity
La forza che ci dà
We ask that life be kind
è il desiderio che
and watch us from above
ognuno trovi amor
We hope each soul will find
intorno e dentro sé
another soul to love
Let this be our prayer
Let this be our prayer, just like every child
È la fede che
hai acceso in noi,
sento che ci salverà
It's the faith
you light in us
I feel it will save us
There's something about Christmas morning that is just so old-fashioned and classically romantic. I got woken up this morning by my sister dragging all my blankets off of me.
I guess the grumpy and stressed mood evaporated over night and people finally cheered up in time for the special day! What a relief...
We opened presents and I ate my bagel with cream cheese and smoked salmon [and a little red wine teehee]. Everyone already ate before me cuz I'm such a lazy bum and didn't wake up early enough. Here are the presents I got for my family:
Some M.A.C. make-up and brushes for my sister.
Merlot Waterford glasses for my father.
A Coach wristlet for my mother - the inside is really pretty: all striped colors.
As for myself, I got some money for Europe, ipod speakers from my sister, and a purse! Very happy - I also got a phone call from my father's French friend living in Paris, which made me feel so much better about traveling there.
So later on, we are all going to the movies and dinner out. Last night, we went to Artist's Palate on Main street (highly recommend it for design sensitive diners - it's a beautiful & classy restaurant... Get the veal and Warhol salad. My family didn't like it that much though... like I said, design-sensitive diners!).
Okay, signing off. God bless and...
Merry Christmas!
I pray we'll find your light
nel cuore resterà
and hold it in our hearts.
a ricordarci che
When stars go out each night,
eterna stella sei
you are eternal star
Nella mia preghiera
Let this be our prayer
quanta fede c'è
when shadows fill our day
Sognamo un mondo senza più violenza
un mondo di giustizia e di speranza
Ognuno dia la mano al suo vicino
Simbolo di pace, di fraternità
We dream a world without violence
a world of justice and faith.
Everyone gives the hand to his neighbours
Symbol of peace, of fraternity
La forza che ci dà
We ask that life be kind
è il desiderio che
and watch us from above
ognuno trovi amor
We hope each soul will find
intorno e dentro sé
another soul to love
Let this be our prayer
Let this be our prayer, just like every child
È la fede che
hai acceso in noi,
sento che ci salverà
It's the faith
you light in us
I feel it will save us
There's something about Christmas morning that is just so old-fashioned and classically romantic. I got woken up this morning by my sister dragging all my blankets off of me.
I guess the grumpy and stressed mood evaporated over night and people finally cheered up in time for the special day! What a relief...
We opened presents and I ate my bagel with cream cheese and smoked salmon [and a little red wine teehee]. Everyone already ate before me cuz I'm such a lazy bum and didn't wake up early enough. Here are the presents I got for my family:
Some M.A.C. make-up and brushes for my sister.
Merlot Waterford glasses for my father.
A Coach wristlet for my mother - the inside is really pretty: all striped colors.
As for myself, I got some money for Europe, ipod speakers from my sister, and a purse! Very happy - I also got a phone call from my father's French friend living in Paris, which made me feel so much better about traveling there.
So later on, we are all going to the movies and dinner out. Last night, we went to Artist's Palate on Main street (highly recommend it for design sensitive diners - it's a beautiful & classy restaurant... Get the veal and Warhol salad. My family didn't like it that much though... like I said, design-sensitive diners!).
Okay, signing off. God bless and...
Merry Christmas!
Monday, December 24, 2007
Adolescent or Emerging Adult?
Cornell: The Year in Photos 2007
Merry Christmas eve! To be honest, it kinda feels like every other day - I have to keep reminding myself that Christmas is seriously here... again. What happened to all the hype and Christmas countdowns? I hate that I don't feel as excited as I used to [when I was little]. Makes me feel so old and like a grumpy grown-up.
I hate that grown-ups keep telling me that I'm an adult now so I'm expected to act responsibly and properly. And in the next breath, they tell me that I'm only soooo young and just a child. - only freaking eighteen years old and that I don't know anything. Would you please make up your grown-up, sensible, MINDS?
And grown-ups wonder why adolescents / emerging adults go through such storm-and-stress during this period in life?
Well, all is not lost. Tomorrow is Christmas and I don't really care whether I'm supposed to be an adult and approach it with a oh... Merry Christmas attitude or just prance around merrily like you're supposed to... I think we all need to be kids again... at least on Christmas. We are celebrating Jesus... as a baby - not an adult.
So Merry Christmas eve anyways. I think what I'm trying to get at is... remember the underlying meaning. Christmas... Christ, a belief and philosophy. Screw commercialism and consumerism.
I think my family is going out for dinner tonight and then 11pm church service. Time to get readyy!
Cheers,
Chrysan
Merry Christmas eve! To be honest, it kinda feels like every other day - I have to keep reminding myself that Christmas is seriously here... again. What happened to all the hype and Christmas countdowns? I hate that I don't feel as excited as I used to [when I was little]. Makes me feel so old and like a grumpy grown-up.
I hate that grown-ups keep telling me that I'm an adult now so I'm expected to act responsibly and properly. And in the next breath, they tell me that I'm only soooo young and just a child. - only freaking eighteen years old and that I don't know anything. Would you please make up your grown-up, sensible, MINDS?
And grown-ups wonder why adolescents / emerging adults go through such storm-and-stress during this period in life?
Well, all is not lost. Tomorrow is Christmas and I don't really care whether I'm supposed to be an adult and approach it with a oh... Merry Christmas attitude or just prance around merrily like you're supposed to... I think we all need to be kids again... at least on Christmas. We are celebrating Jesus... as a baby - not an adult.
So Merry Christmas eve anyways. I think what I'm trying to get at is... remember the underlying meaning. Christmas... Christ, a belief and philosophy. Screw commercialism and consumerism.
I think my family is going out for dinner tonight and then 11pm church service. Time to get readyy!
Cheers,
Chrysan
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Movie Critic Vocabulary
"A lot of people, especially this one psychoanalyst guy they have here, keeps asking me if I'm going to apply myself when I go back to school next September. It's such a stupid question, in my opinion. I mean how do you know what you're going to do till you do it? The answer is, you don't. I think I am, but how do I know? I swear it's a stupid question... I didn't know what the hell to say. If you want the truth, I don't know what I think about it. I'm sorry I told so many people about it. About all I know is, I sort of miss everybody I told about.... It's funny. Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."
I went to my doctor's appointment two days ago and they gave me 3 shots: two in my left arm and one in my right. Well, my right arm is fine as normal but my left... it feels so sore and like, beat up. It was especially killing me last night, playing Christmas carols on the piano at the Pinna's household (a gig that I covered for a friend).
Today, church and lunch with Rosa. I was thinking about checking out a movie tonight... I'm usually not a movie person... but recently I've really felt like watching one in a real theater for change...
Anyway, enough of being a movie critic wannabe. I'm gonna get some work done now... much cleaning and planning and getting excited for Christmas to do!
I went to my doctor's appointment two days ago and they gave me 3 shots: two in my left arm and one in my right. Well, my right arm is fine as normal but my left... it feels so sore and like, beat up. It was especially killing me last night, playing Christmas carols on the piano at the Pinna's household (a gig that I covered for a friend).
Today, church and lunch with Rosa. I was thinking about checking out a movie tonight... I'm usually not a movie person... but recently I've really felt like watching one in a real theater for change...
- I wonder if I am Legend is as cracked up as it's supposed to be.
- I wonder when Helena Bonham Carter will ever stop portraying scary women in corsets and frazzled hair like in Harry Potter, Fight Club... and now Sweeney Todd. Okay, one time I saw her in this victorian romance type of film and it was just so unsettling to see her actually happy and rosy that I was just like... No.
- I wonder if Juno had any influence on Jamie Lynn Spear's announcement.
- I wonder if I should read the book before seeing The Golden Compass (probably). Cause the movie will (most likely) screw up the book.
- I wonder if Enchanted will be dumb or not.
Anyway, enough of being a movie critic wannabe. I'm gonna get some work done now... much cleaning and planning and getting excited for Christmas to do!
Friday, December 21, 2007
Dreaming of Paris
From my latest obsession, a book that I dug out from the "Bargain, 50% off, moving address" pile [Bookmark Now]:
"That's how the story always goes, right? It begins with unemployment. A string of bad luck drives pen to paper, he churns out a few stories, blah, blah, blah... nobody thought it would sell... blah, blah... Harry Potter."
"But I didn't want to be a writer; I wanted to be a doctor. Or a lawyer. Something smart that required a Harvard Education. Meanwhile, I was writing constantly."
"How could I consider myself a real writer when I was sometimes paid in candy bars and glitter make-up? I may have built a T-shirt-buying, Internet-ad-clicking, Web-savvy audience with my bare HTML-novice hands, but I wasn't a real writer."
Lately, I've been thinking about my senior year and how completely devoted I was to my high school newspaper. Everything from designing, to pulling my hair out about finances and administration/authority figure battles, and the actual writing and assembling of articles to produce this real... document -- liked it all. In love with it...
I was looking at this year's High school newspaper. My sister had a bunch of extra copies and I totally ripped it from her hands and felt instantly transported back to that time in my life. It was a time when I stayed after school for hours, agonizing over the width and length of each line and making sure all the fonts and font-sizes were in order.
And since then, I don't know what happened with my writing. I could say it's been a love/hate relationship. Sometimes, I'll be like... WOW BRILLIANT IDEA. MUST WRITE. Suddenly, I transform into one of those coffee-drinking, cigarette-snubbing columnists crouched over an old Mac laptop (Albeit the smoking and Mac-owning).
Then other times I'm simply like: "I suck. I have no original ideas. I'm a wannabe. Better stick to this pre-med track. Or I will have no purpose in life."
But I always go back to my ex-lover (writing, that is). It's usually when I'm traveling in a foreign country and I have nothing else to do but scribble. I wrote my college essay about writing and this love/hate relationship. It's weird thinking that it was just a year ago that I was doing all this crap. Now, what? What am I doing now...
Definitely not writing. Except for some really bored and completely not there blog entries... OK, I admit. I'm not exactly doing my best. I'm not exactly even sure of what I'm getting at here... but I know that I keep trying to get at why I've been doing some absolutely crazy things lately. Which include randomly buying a plane ticket out of this country... all alone. Yep, by myself. Totally alone.
Maybe, I can pretend I'm on this spiritual "finding myself" type of journey. In my mind, I'm getting on this airplane, New Year's Eve, and something happens while I'm in the air. Maybe, I'll find out that I'm sitting next to some really important, intellectual person and we'll toast to a New Year and share turning-point experiences. And that'll mark this whole new life-changing experience and an amazing year of growing into my destiny. I'll get off the plane and immediately find a stereotypical Parisian cafe and start writing an amazing short story or poem a la Ernest Hemmingway (Oh, and um... just kidding about the poetry. Muahaha)
Then, Paris will open her arms out to me and I'll be like Wheee C'est La vie! Paris, Je T'adore!!!!! Oui, oui, oui!! Oh la la!!!!!! And throw off my black beret (dunno where that came from) and run into the streets singing something from Sound of Music. And there will be baguettes. Tons of them.. Just around.. chilling.
So, yeah. That's what I'm picturing in my mind. Some kind of romantic nonsense baloney like that.
But we all know that nonsense is just NONSENSE (if not baloney) and that will most likely never happen. So what the hell WILL happen? Got no clues...
Except I think it's time for me to start writing more, which is why it's the only resolution on my list... well, maybe dropping a few pounds wouldn't hurt either.
"That's how the story always goes, right? It begins with unemployment. A string of bad luck drives pen to paper, he churns out a few stories, blah, blah, blah... nobody thought it would sell... blah, blah... Harry Potter."
"But I didn't want to be a writer; I wanted to be a doctor. Or a lawyer. Something smart that required a Harvard Education. Meanwhile, I was writing constantly."
"How could I consider myself a real writer when I was sometimes paid in candy bars and glitter make-up? I may have built a T-shirt-buying, Internet-ad-clicking, Web-savvy audience with my bare HTML-novice hands, but I wasn't a real writer."
Lately, I've been thinking about my senior year and how completely devoted I was to my high school newspaper. Everything from designing, to pulling my hair out about finances and administration/authority figure battles, and the actual writing and assembling of articles to produce this real... document -- liked it all. In love with it...
I was looking at this year's High school newspaper. My sister had a bunch of extra copies and I totally ripped it from her hands and felt instantly transported back to that time in my life. It was a time when I stayed after school for hours, agonizing over the width and length of each line and making sure all the fonts and font-sizes were in order.
And since then, I don't know what happened with my writing. I could say it's been a love/hate relationship. Sometimes, I'll be like... WOW BRILLIANT IDEA. MUST WRITE. Suddenly, I transform into one of those coffee-drinking, cigarette-snubbing columnists crouched over an old Mac laptop (Albeit the smoking and Mac-owning).
Then other times I'm simply like: "I suck. I have no original ideas. I'm a wannabe. Better stick to this pre-med track. Or I will have no purpose in life."
But I always go back to my ex-lover (writing, that is). It's usually when I'm traveling in a foreign country and I have nothing else to do but scribble. I wrote my college essay about writing and this love/hate relationship. It's weird thinking that it was just a year ago that I was doing all this crap. Now, what? What am I doing now...
Definitely not writing. Except for some really bored and completely not there blog entries... OK, I admit. I'm not exactly doing my best. I'm not exactly even sure of what I'm getting at here... but I know that I keep trying to get at why I've been doing some absolutely crazy things lately. Which include randomly buying a plane ticket out of this country... all alone. Yep, by myself. Totally alone.
Maybe, I can pretend I'm on this spiritual "finding myself" type of journey. In my mind, I'm getting on this airplane, New Year's Eve, and something happens while I'm in the air. Maybe, I'll find out that I'm sitting next to some really important, intellectual person and we'll toast to a New Year and share turning-point experiences. And that'll mark this whole new life-changing experience and an amazing year of growing into my destiny. I'll get off the plane and immediately find a stereotypical Parisian cafe and start writing an amazing short story or poem a la Ernest Hemmingway (Oh, and um... just kidding about the poetry. Muahaha)
Then, Paris will open her arms out to me and I'll be like Wheee C'est La vie! Paris, Je T'adore!!!!! Oui, oui, oui!! Oh la la!!!!!! And throw off my black beret (dunno where that came from) and run into the streets singing something from Sound of Music. And there will be baguettes. Tons of them.. Just around.. chilling.
So, yeah. That's what I'm picturing in my mind. Some kind of romantic nonsense baloney like that.
But we all know that nonsense is just NONSENSE (if not baloney) and that will most likely never happen. So what the hell WILL happen? Got no clues...
Except I think it's time for me to start writing more, which is why it's the only resolution on my list... well, maybe dropping a few pounds wouldn't hurt either.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Back to My Roots
So, I've been home since Saturday and here's what I've been up to:
-Hung out with my high school friends
-Revived the late night Dunkin Donuts ritual
-Visited a Cornell friend in the city
-Went crazy with a subway day pass (Chinatown, Soho, Morningside Heights, Rockefeller, Flushing, Times Square... the works)
-FINISHED ALL XMAS SHOPPING INCLUDING WRAPPING < seriously a miracle and contradicting all the last-minute-mantras that I represent
-Found out about Cornell ED results
-Saw my high school teachers and felt really really strange. It was like time travel... except not really.
-Vowed to write more in the New Years
-Started to feel extremely scared about traveling to Paris this winter
-Found out that people still read this thing and did some blog cleaning
-Wondered about life
My Countdowns:
5 days until Christmas
11 days until Paris
12 days until 2008
26 days until return to Ithaca and Greek Rush week
33 days until Spring semester
-Hung out with my high school friends
-Revived the late night Dunkin Donuts ritual
-Visited a Cornell friend in the city
-Went crazy with a subway day pass (Chinatown, Soho, Morningside Heights, Rockefeller, Flushing, Times Square... the works)
-FINISHED ALL XMAS SHOPPING INCLUDING WRAPPING < seriously a miracle and contradicting all the last-minute-mantras that I represent
-Found out about Cornell ED results
-Saw my high school teachers and felt really really strange. It was like time travel... except not really.
-Vowed to write more in the New Years
-Started to feel extremely scared about traveling to Paris this winter
-Found out that people still read this thing and did some blog cleaning
-Wondered about life
My Countdowns:
5 days until Christmas
11 days until Paris
12 days until 2008
26 days until return to Ithaca and Greek Rush week
33 days until Spring semester
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Substance in Vogue
Last final tomorrow. And I can hardly concentrate. It seems as though the more empty and quiet this place becomes, the more distracted I become.
Biggest distractions: food, reading up on Paris, reading mags, sleeping, staring and thinking.
I read this really interesting article in vogue the other day. I never realized how much substance and decent writing fashion magazines actually contain. The article was written memoir-style by a Mormon fashion and society editor. I didn’t expect to get so engaged in this story but I did. I think mostly because I finally received affirmation (think sigh-of-relief) that I needed to… be selfish… and feel OK that I love finer things… and art… AND I didn’t have to be a doctor saving lives firsthand in order to have a meaningful existence in this world.
Pheuf. I feel like I finally stumbled on what’s been worrying me the most while I’m searching for what to do with myself. I’m just afraid of being utterly useless… and a traitor, a disappointment to my beliefs, and the people who I love and care about. You don’t realize how much pressure you’ve been under until it’s finally been lifted.
Can I still do what I love and not get sucked into this kind of superficial living?
In the end, everyone is play-acting whether I work in international politics, medicine, or Art. I guess my biggest worry after all was living a double life, which I find myself doing a lot these days.
But maybe I can be a part of two things and still find meaning enough to be true to certain morals. Is it possible??? What a dilemma…
These are the kinds of things I should not be worrying about during my last final. I just can’t tear myself away form this idea… thinking about it is as addicting as… chocolate cake, turkey sandwiches, and cappuccino at ungodly hours of the day.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Lockdown
Classes are over! :)
Finals week has begun... :(
And winter is here full blast. It's been snowing daily here. The paths are very icy so everyone has pretty much been sticking to the dorms for studying... munching on junk, getting distracted by the internet no doubt...
I think I must've worn at least 5 layers of clothing today. And eaten too many pretzels. As for studying? Depressing and dreary as always.
Waiting for some inspiration to strike...
Finals week has begun... :(
And winter is here full blast. It's been snowing daily here. The paths are very icy so everyone has pretty much been sticking to the dorms for studying... munching on junk, getting distracted by the internet no doubt...
I think I must've worn at least 5 layers of clothing today. And eaten too many pretzels. As for studying? Depressing and dreary as always.
Waiting for some inspiration to strike...