Metamorphosis

New beginnings, awakenings, forks in the road, turning a new leaf, eye in the storm, light at the end of a tunnel, enlightenment, rebirth, fresh, new, metamorphosis.

Chrysanthemum Jewel-tsung Tung

Chrysanthemum Paradox:

Symbolizes prosperity, longevity, truth, quiet and retire, nobility in the Far East
Symbolizes death, funerals in the West

Jewel-tsung: Literally, "Chrysanthemum - Genuine/Real"

Tung: Understanding

Starving Artists

Took my first art prelim today... I was doing so well. When the slideshow began, I was like

BAM. That's Cezanne. BAM. Matisse. Monet. Mondrian. Caldor. Picasso. Manet. Gaugin. Van Gogh. De Kooning. Pollack. That's watercolor. Oil paints. Secco Fresco. True Fresco. Egg tempera. Encaustic. BAM. BAM. BAM.

But then a slide of pottery came up. And then wood. And a piece of cloth.

And I was like what the-????

And it occurred to me.. I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO STUDY METALS, CERAMICS, WOOD, AND TEXTILES.

I can never win. Ugh. Story of my life...

Focus, focus, focus....

I will not:
-waste time
-eat everything in sight
-be lazier than a rock
-get bad grades
-cry, whine, and complain about school
-cry, whine, and complain about people
-be fake

I will:
-time manage, but be spontaneous
-try my best, but take it easy
-suck it up, but vent (occasionally)
-think positive, but realistic
-make time for creativity
-work hard but enjoy life
-balance, balance, balance
-believe in second chances
-trust

"Pray for the dead but fight like hell for the living."
-Mother Jones

Golden Rule

Rule #1: Never EVER EVER date someone in the same dorm hall.

I thought this was the golden rule to college life. Then, why are there five couples already seeing each other in my hall alone? FIVE COUPLESS.

New Proposal perhaps?
YOU MUST IMMEDIATELY DATE SOMEONE, Bonus points if they live in the same wing, MEGA BONUS POINTS if they live in the suite next door.

Cornell social scene really confuses me.

The beginning of a busy week...

Monday:
Finish chem pre-lab and lab report.

Tuesday:
4:30pm - Course Enroll meeting
4:30pm-6pm - Art & Design review session
Finish Stats problem sets.

Wednesday:
4:30pm - Bio & Society meeting
7-8:30pm - Art & Design review session
Human Ecology Ambassador application due date.
Finish Stats lab.

Thursday:
7:30-9pm - Art & Design Prelim
Finish Chemistry problem sets.

Friday:
Family weekend / Halloween weekend!

Saturday:
Into the Streets
2pm - 312 Apartment showing

Sunday:
And... the cycle begins again.

SUNDAY BRUNCH

Yay, Sunday Brunch brunch brunch brunch brunchbrunchbrunch.

My friends and I are going to collegetown today to look at a few apartments... I can't believe I'm already planning for next year's housing..


MUST GO - SUNDAY BRUNCH!

"Focus all your negative energy into your work... and make something beautiful."

another full cycle

College has been pretty tough especially these last few weeks. But I think I'm slowly recovering from this depressing phase.. I'm here and I'm going to make the most of it. I'm going to try my best but also know that you have to make time to enjoy life too. I thought I knew how to do that... but apparently I need another lesson.

Hopefully my whole immune system will catch up with this mind set too. For some reason, my skin - which is usually really well-behaved - has been so dry and weird. I need to be healthier or get more sleep... something!

I think I owe a lot of my attitude change to friends... Whenever I feel really alone and pissed off at life, people surprise me and I feel reallyy thankful. Just yesterday, I was talking about how no one looks out for each other at Cornell and everyone is so self-centered and cutthroat... well, I guess there are exceptions. And when I was feeling really blah and decided to shut myself up in my room, people actually came and tried to talk or cheer me up... really unexpected but nice.

And even though I had work tonight, I made time to go out for dinner (Stella's - I really recommend it) and dessert.

I guess all it really takes is good planning and balance and friends. I hope I can keep up this positive momentum even into stressful times... and I know they're coming... It's a huge cycle and we all hate to admit it. Yet sometimes you just have to wonder... am I finally getting better at life or is life just getting the best out of me?

frustrated and depressed and grawr

I feel utterly depressed....But I don't want to write a whole entry describing all the negative experiences I had today, which I usually would do... I feel so lazy and hopeless and BLAH. I don't even feel like venting. This is a rare feeling for me... Maybe, I'll just... write..

This might sound really weird but I keep having dreams about velociraptors - those crazy intelligent, scary dinosaurs that run around like chickens and make sounds like dolphins (basically the animals that would be in control of earth if humans weren't around). So, I tried looking it up but then I realized that "velociraptor" isn't really a popular dream term (figures?). So, I looked up "dinosaur" instead. Here's what I got: "To see a fallen dinosaur in your dream indicates a loss of youth."

Oh, god.

Anyways, where am I going with this? I really have no idea...

Lately, I feel so hopelessly swamped and forgettable and lost in a huge crowd of nobody's. I know, that makes no sense. That was just the first things I thought about. Swamped as in, work and studying. I hate that that's all I write and think and talk about these days. And forgettable, like nothing matters and I don't matter. And lost because I always seem to be so clueless about everything! It's so so frustrating. No matter how hard I try, I feel like I don't know how to do anything. Everyone seems like they know where they're going and I try and try to keep up - just not working out... It's so frustrating. And so depressing. I just feel like I'm sinking in this mess and ...... BLAH I don't even know what I'm talking about. This free-write is going nowhere...

I guess what I really wanna say in this blog entry is.... BLAHHHHHHHH BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHH H A B L AHLHBLHADr poiqeweyuo;iuad ;fohasdfl;hads ;lfhad;lfijad;og hao;gihao;difuasd;o iad;ofja;dlfkjcornellsucks:L AISHD:LAISH:OAI HRO:AIWU RLKHN:ALKSD H:HALISR~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GRRRRRR. I can't think right now. Maybe later...

OMG.... LNT!!!

Can I get an amen? Trail Maintenance is over! Last weekend, I was out in the wilderness for a good 24+ hours and in that time, learned that there are some hardcore campers out there...

I've gone camping a few times... in REAL tents, around the campfire.. with marshmallows and a bonfire... and LAWN chairs, under the stars...

That's what I had in mind when I signed up for this class. Surprise, surprise.

This kind of camping is definitely no picnic. First of all, it was cold. We had to build a bridge. Pooping in the wilderness was not fun at all. We strung tarps to trees to sleep under. And sat on rotting logs and cooked on bunsen burner type things.

That was all okay. I can rough it out when necessary. But the one thing I was not prepared for was drinking the water we used to wash our dishes.

"LEAVE NO TRACE." (LNT!!) That means swallowing our toothpaste and drinking our dish washing water, eating all the food and hanging the remainders in a tree so the bears wouldn't get it... this was hardcore nature-lover environmentalist extremism.

People are very nature-y. And it was kinda funny seeing this whole new perspective from a non-hardcore earthy kind of person. I always thought I was an environmentalist- as in, do not ask for plastic bags when grocery shopping and recycling water bottles.. but not like... DRINKING THE WATER I WASHED MY DISHES WITH (without soap of course).

I love the outdoors but I'm sorry, I think the Outdoors is mature enough to take care of itself if we get a bit of toothpaste on a rock... it has been here.. the whole existence of earth.....

Leaving on a positive note, I have a newfound admiration of the genius architecture of plumbing and toilets.

Redhead

Raven haired - June 2007 .... Redhead - now

I dyed my hair a few weeks ago and I'
I've been getting mixed reactions to my new hair color... Hmmm... Opinions? Go darker? Lighter? I kind of like being a rehead....

I Make Lists in My Sleep

Back in Ithaca - it is dark, gloomy, and rainy outside. It hasn't been the best day exactly... I overslept, left the house in a rush (didn't eat my mom's food), made my ride and other friends late, and now I have to deal with all this depressing work again. Work, work, work. Why do I feel like this place has turned me into a robot? I automatically make lists in my head:

-check bursar bills
-clear inboxes
-layout week's schedule

(Since when did I feel so uneasy if I didn't do all this before doing anything else?? It's so sad that the first thing I need to do when I get back to my dorm is NOT shower or unpack... it's turning on my laptop and clearing inboxes.... so depressing...)

Then,

-shower
-unpack
-food
-homework

A Recap of Fall Break

I can hardly believe that Fall break is ending already!! Here's a recap...

[Friday night]: A friend who lives in Queens dropped me off in Times Square - so refreshing from the nowhere-ness of Ithaca. Then, I visited a few friends at nyu and had dinner at a Japanese restaurant... woke up next morning and caught the 10:57am Metronorth back to po-town.

Fall in the city...

[Saturday afternoon]: Seeing all the familiar hs places was strangely nostalgic... I caught up with my family who wanted to know everything about my sudden abandonment of pre-med.

I ate ate ate lots of my mom's food. You know, food isn't necessarily better at home.... then, why does it seem to taste a thousand times better here??

[Saturday night]: Turned in early. For once zzzz....

[Sunday morning]: Tradition :) Church service and brunch with the family. Salad, soup, tea, and pumpkin cheesecake <3>

[Sunday afternoon & night]: Shopping w/ mom and later, movie with a friendsss

[Monday afternoon]: I slept in (had a horrible dream about a hybrid shark/stingray though); Spent a late afternoon at Barnes & Nobles.

I splurged on books for my winter Euro trip (Hide This French Phrase Book - Berlitz, The Wine Guide - Williams & Sonoma, Paris 2008 - Fodor's).

[Monday night (now)]: I need to pack, pack, pack and do a little homework... another week ahead!

Probability

I got a 91 on my first prelim! TAKE THAT STATS.

I always end up getting good grades on subjects I hate. Because I hate them so much, I know I have to study more in order to do well... is that logical?

Later... (At Kroch Library, attempting to study for the Chemistry Prelim)

I checked out the Chem textbook - Why conform to capitalism when you can take advantage of the American public system! Yay for libraries! It's so sad that I memorized the call number. I opened the book to find a neon green post-it note:

"Good luck on the prelim."

Study = No Fail
No Study = Fail

*Therefore Symbol*

(No Study) + (Study) = (No Fail) + (Fail)
Study (No +1) = Fail (No + 1)
Study = Fail

*Sad Face*

Sigh. We are so nerdy.

Yoga

I desperately needed to chillax today... soo I took a yoga class! WOW. Now I can see why people become yoga addicts. It's a strenuous work out yet somehow, mind-clearing. And relaxing.... not to mention, IT'S EFFING HILARIOUS. HAAAAA!!




Excuse my rushed paint artwork. HAHA. I mean, thirty so people doing this crazy posture in one room?? I could hardly focus because I was giggling like a bunch of gossiping school girls.

Omg, I couldn't stop laughing.

First of all, the instructor looks like a real hippie chanting, "Doesn't it feel good?" and ".. You're there!" I felt like we were supposed to be getting high or reaching nirvana.Also, this middle-aged Indian man next to me was making .. inappropriate sounding noises. AND, I was trying to balance like a figure-skater with no arms!

At least I feel peaceful now and can concentrate on some wonderful stats and chem work. Yum.

Game Plan

The past few days have been a complete blur. And now that hell week has begun, it's only gotten worse...

"What am I doing [writing/verb]?? I should be studying [subject]!" (recent mantra)

I feel like stress levels have run into the danger zone:
-2 prelims this week
-1st major paper due Friday (for my Art class, which means a visit to the museum, too...)
-Chem labs to finish
-Stats homework continues to be confusing... at least something is predictable.
-work
-Planning fall break (great, now even vacations are stressful??)

I have an in-class prelim tomorrow, which shouldn't be too bad except that 1) I'm 100%... unprepared and 2) I have 3 hours of chem lab right before!

On a totally different note, my shoulders and back are so so sore because I was carrying lumber and shattering stones with a sledgehammer for the whole day on Sunday. I ended up having to take the Trail Maintenance P.E. class ( even though I receive absolutely no credit for building bridges on the Finger Lakes trail!)

*Inhale/Exhale. Let us take a moment to regroup.*

Despite all this crap, I'm really trying to make the most of my time. Maybe things DO, in fact, happen for a reason.

I met some nice people in Trail Maintenance. I was able to get away from the bubble of Cornell for a few days and see how beautiful the Finger Lakes region really is... you don't notice it living on campus. You don't really notice anything, actually. On our way back from our work site, we had this incredible view of Cayuga Lake and I saw Cornell in the distance - it was like this huge city. I can imagine all the brainpower just emanating from the buildings with everyone there studying and working constantly. It's like gears in motion that just keep on going and going and going...

And that's what I'm doing this week. I'm contributing to those never ending rotations by studying (or at least trying to). I've practically been living at the library...

So, it hit me that there will always be the NEXT thing to worry about. Even after prelims are over, we will be stressing and studying for the next thing.

I need to just live my life and stop worrying. Even if it means that I will not score as high on a stupid exam or be 0.01% higher than the mean. I'm not going to even think about my to-do list. I have to just enjoy being here. There should be things to look forward to, just as much as things to worry and prepare for. It's got to be a balance.

So, I'm doing things that I like, too. I'm exercising more at the gym, taking time to write, and breathing is always good... About my future, too - I give up. I need to let it go. I'm trusting that I will end up where I'm supposed to. I believe there's a plan for everyone... even me!

So OKAY, week... bring it on.

PS. I should stop checking my email so obsessively.